(917, 6)

(980, 6)

Hello. Depression has always been a secondary problem for me, with my main antagonist being severe Harm OCD. But since my relationship ended 8 months ago, I've been stuck in this horrific cycle of absolutely loathing myself, feeling heavy/tired and totally unmotivated to do anything. It's like I'm living in a 2 dimensional world. Nothing in life jumps out and catches my attention like it used to. I used to be quite creative but it's just taken a nose dive. Any work I do is utterly awful and I'm amazed I'm not been kicked off projects (I work freelance). I wake up and I just want to be dead, quite honestly. In fact in the last few weeks I've even found getting out of bed to be a monumental struggle in itself, where I'm almost in tears from the weight of everything.

I am getting help with a therapist and am on an SSRI/low dose anti psych. And I've taken their advice seriously in terms of behavioural activation and avoiding staying in bed. I've started cycling again (just done 20 miles today in fact). But I still feel utterly wretched and everything I do is laced with this horrible belief that this is the end and suicide is my only way out of the pain I'm going through. The years ahead fill me with dread (I'm in my 30s). With my Harm OCD I have a huge hatred of myself anyway, but lately things have just got so heavy. I'd just like to know if anybody can relate to my post and has any first person advice? Psychiatrists and therapists always feel so removed from the reality (for me, anyway) - I'd just like to hear from people who know what's like and have helped themselves.

1595

I'm an 18 year old with severe depression, anxiety, ADHD, borderline personality disorder and DID at a point in my life. But I'm slowly recovering.

I have always felt like I never belonged to this world, because I am "too imaginative" and "too kind". I behave "not like how people should". I'm mostly well-liked, but I know they think I'm a weirdo. Everyone does.

It's final exam time for us, and I have to secure good marks, otherwise I won't be able to enter any good streams in a good college. It would be the end of my future. My family is in a financial crunch, but they give up everything for me. I am dead-set on helping my friends get through their depression and suicidal tendencies, but I'm failing at that. I have had three attempts, but I was saved by a person, who himself was alexithymic (I think) and suicidal. He still is, and he says if he doesn't do well, he will commit suicide.

I don't know what I'm gonna do if I don't perform the way I should. But I certainly know that I will die if he does.

In case everything goes wrong, I'll leave. There's no other way. The day of my death is nearing. It's just 3 months away.

Love you all. Have a good day.

1172

<class 'pandas.core.frame.DataFrame'>
RangeIndex: 1897 entries, 0 to 1896
Data columns (total 6 columns):
 #   Column        Non-Null Count  Dtype 
---  ------        --------------  ----- 
 0   title         1897 non-null   object
 1   selftext      1832 non-null   object
 2   author        1897 non-null   object
 3   num_comments  1897 non-null   int64 
 4   is_suicide    1897 non-null   int64 
 5   url           1897 non-null   object
dtypes: int64(2), object(4)
memory usage: 89.0+ KB

1    64
0     1
Name: is_suicide, dtype: int64

<class 'pandas.core.frame.DataFrame'>
RangeIndex: 1897 entries, 0 to 1896
Data columns (total 6 columns):
 #   Column        Non-Null Count  Dtype 
---  ------        --------------  ----- 
 0   title         1897 non-null   object
 1   selftext      1897 non-null   object
 2   author        1897 non-null   object
 3   num_comments  1897 non-null   int64 
 4   is_suicide    1897 non-null   int64 
 5   url           1897 non-null   object
dtypes: int64(2), object(4)
memory usage: 89.0+ KB

[nltk_data] Downloading package wordnet to
[nltk_data]     C:\Users\nisar\AppData\Roaming\nltk_data...
[nltk_data]   Package wordnet is already up-to-date!
[nltk_data] Downloading package stopwords to
[nltk_data]     C:\Users\nisar\AppData\Roaming\nltk_data...
[nltk_data]   Package stopwords is already up-to-date!

{'SQLwitch': 'SQL witch', 'circinia': 'c irc in i a', 'TheNewKiller69': 'The New Killer 69', 'Jazzlecrab': 'Jazz le crab', 'Depressed_Kid786': 'Depressed Kid 786', 'angelshum10': 'angels hum 10', 'DaRkNeSSReDCrusader': 'DaRkNeSS ReD Crusader', 'InsertANameHeree': 'Insert A Name Here e', 'chroms-leather-belt': 'ch roms leather belt', 'deppressionthrowaway': 'dep press ion throwaway'}

<class 'pandas.core.frame.DataFrame'>
RangeIndex: 1897 entries, 0 to 1896
Data columns (total 9 columns):
 #   Column          Non-Null Count  Dtype 
---  ------          --------------  ----- 
 0   title           1897 non-null   object
 1   selftext        1897 non-null   object
 2   author          1897 non-null   object
 3   num_comments    1897 non-null   int64 
 4   is_suicide      1897 non-null   int64 
 5   url             1897 non-null   object
 6   selftext_clean  1897 non-null   object
 7   title_clean     1897 non-null   object
 8   author_clean    1897 non-null   object
dtypes: int64(2), object(7)
memory usage: 133.5+ KB

title             0
selftext          0
author            0
num_comments      0
is_suicide        0
url               0
selftext_clean    0
title_clean       0
author_clean      0
dtype: int64

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
NameError                                 Traceback (most recent call last)
<ipython-input-3-6926f8a89ed0> in <module>
      1 #USING MASKS TO CREATE SLICES OF OUR DATAFRAME FOR VISUALISATION
----> 2 suicide_posts = combined_data[combined_data["is_suicide"] ==1]["selftext_clean"]
      3 suicide_titles = combined_data[combined_data["is_suicide"] ==1]["title_clean"]
      4 suicide_authors = combined_data[combined_data["is_suicide"] ==1]["author_clean"]
      5 

NameError: name 'combined_data' is not defined

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
NameError                                 Traceback (most recent call last)
<ipython-input-2-777606084132> in <module>
      2 #WE'LL USE DIFFERENT PALETTES TO SEPERATE THE TWO REDDITS:
      3 #THE PENSIVE "ocean_r" FOR r/depression AND THE HEAVY AND DARK SHADES OF "magma" FOR FOR r/SuicideWatch
----> 4 plot_most_used_words("r/depression Posts", depression_posts, palette="ocean_r", image_mask="../assets/depression_mask.png")

NameError: name 'depression_posts' is not defined

67

39

29

68

15

1051        bay girl ad girl
1508       throwaway girl 83
1542    sad girl throwaway 6
1619    disposable baby girl
1836        crazy smile girl
Name: author_clean, dtype: object

323

349

14                  toasty 420
162            daniel quer 420
236      cereal 420 bla zi ken
302           taco cat 6942042
361              hyper aid 420
366                der bag 420
644          th icc barbie 420
772                su kari 420
811        mom destroyer 69420
1231            star rider 420
1277       penis wrinkle 69420
1388         th icc barbie 420
1433              spa main 420
1482    wiener schnitzel z 420
1710           fuck boi 420 69
Name: author_clean, dtype: object

1897

[deleted]           11
Vivid-Smile          5
snakesnack148        4
outakuslayer69       4
throaway8297338      4
unicorn6642          3
enk9898              3
LifeisCrumbling      3
SeaSaltSaw           3
SuperDuperPewper     3
lIlFlashIlI          3
missmisery8          3
AlinaAngelMtF        3
vadimuha             3
TheGrandMan10        3
SQLwitch             3
SilentPost3          3
tiredlucifer         2
floorecent-stare     2
wasps_in_my_anus     2
Name: author, dtype: int64

['[deleted]',
 'Vivid-Smile',
 'snakesnack148',
 'outakuslayer69',
 'throaway8297338',
 'unicorn6642',
 'enk9898',
 'LifeisCrumbling',
 'SeaSaltSaw',
 'SuperDuperPewper',
 'lIlFlashIlI',
 'missmisery8',
 'AlinaAngelMtF',
 'vadimuha',
 'TheGrandMan10',
 'SQLwitch',
 'SilentPost3',
 'tiredlucifer',
 'floorecent-stare',
 'wasps_in_my_anus',
 'anxxxer',
 'lovestar777111',
 'AbsorbedSky312',
 'YayWereAllGonnaDie',
 'iwannadiebadly',
 'RegularlyAlive',
 'Jimmyconwayyy',
 'Jackbright682',
 'thathumbletrashcan',
 '_dojibe_kara',
 'Boogiedat',
 'PupCorn_',
 'AnotherTrowaway12',
 'zdento',
 'deppressionthrowaway',
 'Tyler080721',
 'SmarmySlayer',
 'OutsideitCZ',
 'runningrunningrunrun',
 'BamaSOH',
 'Jefvv',
 'gutsthrowaway',
 'Timoris',
 'peee-poopy-pee-head',
 'roadtonowhere5',
 'DailyDoseDepression',
 'zamas2',
 'Aimsm',
 'cheesiemilk',
 'iwaki-rogan',
 'throwaway656565167',
 'throwawaygoaway30',
 'crashboxer1678',
 'SandalFishing',
 'rodbsbsb',
 'd3ad1ns1de',
 'thebus01',
 'Souless_F0X',
 'walker310',
 'TroyBehave',
 'zn07',
 'rememberthememoriez',
 'gr33nthundah',
 'abadassbitch_2000',
 'MrMoonlight4',
 'brownted123',
 '17yrcub',
 'bunnybelljpeg',
 'gafsr',
 'DrakenJosh98',
 '1sadbish',
 'anxietyqueen101',
 'Hlp4me',
 'thiccbarbie420',
 'Senseless_misery',
 'ShocktasticAnimation',
 'log1992',
 'CovertGamesINC',
 'idontwannagonow',
 'angelasyy',
 'chillinlookin',
 'Saikujo',
 'TheHours327',
 'chivvg',
 '1lbOfViettiBeefStew',
 'MajiKoju',
 'catattack003',
 'theCommonSlaw',
 'southwestperson',
 'okcomptr',
 'puriuh',
 'Iamoriginalthrowaw4y',
 'pekelniydrochun',
 'Isabella12345678910',
 'SpookDaddy-',
 'beauTeeEdur',
 'The_Answer_Is_42__',
 'anonanonnobidy',
 'grande__oso',
 'libertysailor',
 'gettingbetter95',
 'ajlaba',
 'dereulb',
 'LifeIsHorrible002',
 'lostluos',
 'findingstrengthtokms',
 'justguylol',
 'goodNonEvilHarry',
 'Smurphy55656',
 'marsupial65',
 'AeonianAce',
 'nidham21',
 'smolmight-_-',
 'Jeeseeka',
 '1hsayg1',
 'yathatscooliguess',
 'ScaryMohawk',
 'Talking_About_Stuff',
 'imjustbadbadnews',
 'mjdg25',
 'R78n',
 'Sinigamic1',
 'osir1s2',
 'Hinatasamaa',
 'MiaNebulosaX',
 'ovrprotectiveunicorn',
 'honeybee_hive',
 'helpjustcut',
 'MichiDraws',
 'cockersPAINel',
 'cassie7189',
 'Throwaway32414111111',
 'Joanh9000',
 'buhrainbow',
 'crybaby1577',
 'NussNougatCroissant',
 'annifrank1723',
 'roybttynexvs6',
 'oeyo121',
 'veelw',
 'elianystinks',
 'Celestialsmoothie28',
 'the-greatest-paninis',
 'birbeech']

27

<ipython-input-49-b7033dcdca91>:11: UserWarning: Boolean Series key will be reindexed to match DataFrame index.
  double_posters = more_than_once_mean_df[double_posters_mask_0][double_posters_mask_1].sort_values("num_comments", ascending=False)

['SQLwitch',
 'buhrainbow',
 'dereulb',
 'RegularlyAlive',
 'deppressionthrowaway',
 'thathumbletrashcan',
 'vadimuha']

Average length of a r/depression title: 39.31952017448201
Average length of a r/SuicideWatch title: 39.72244897959184
Average length of a r/depression post: 964.3217011995638
Average length of a r/SuicideWatch post: 836.3602040816327

<class 'pandas.core.frame.DataFrame'>
RangeIndex: 1897 entries, 0 to 1896
Data columns (total 12 columns):
 #   Column           Non-Null Count  Dtype 
---  ------           --------------  ----- 
 0   title            1897 non-null   object
 1   selftext         1897 non-null   object
 2   author           1897 non-null   object
 3   num_comments     1897 non-null   int64 
 4   is_suicide       1897 non-null   int64 
 5   url              1897 non-null   object
 6   selftext_clean   1897 non-null   object
 7   title_clean      1897 non-null   object
 8   author_clean     1897 non-null   object
 9   selftext_length  1897 non-null   int64 
 10  title_length     1897 non-null   int64 
 11  megatext_clean   1897 non-null   object
dtypes: int64(4), object(8)
memory usage: 178.0+ KB

	approved_at_utc	subreddit	selftext	author_fullname	saved	mod_reason_title	clicked	title	link_flair_richtext	subreddit_name_prefixed	hidden	link_flair_css_class	hide_score	name	quarantine	link_flair_text_color	author_flair_background_color	subreddit_type	ups	total_awards_received	media_embed	author_flair_template_id	is_original_content	user_reports	secure_media	is_reddit_media_domain	is_meta	category	secure_media_embed	link_flair_text	can_mod_post	score	approved_by	author_premium	thumbnail	edited	author_flair_css_class	author_flair_richtext	gildings	content_categories	is_self	mod_note	created	link_flair_type	removed_by_category	banned_by	author_flair_type	domain	allow_live_comments	selftext_html	likes	suggested_sort	banned_at_utc	view_count	archived	no_follow	is_crosspostable	pinned	over_18	all_awardings	awarders	media_only	can_gild	spoiler	locked	author_flair_text	visited	removed_by	num_reports	distinguished	subreddit_id	mod_reason_by	removal_reason	link_flair_background_color	id	is_robot_indexable	report_reasons	author	discussion_type	num_comments	send_replies	whitelist_status	contest_mode	mod_reports	author_patreon_flair	author_flair_text_color	permalink	parent_whitelist_status	stickied	url	subreddit_subscribers	created_utc	media	is_video
0	NaN	depression	We understand that most people who reply immed...	t2_1t70	False	NaN	False	Our most-broken and least-understood rules is ...	[]	r/depression	False	NaN	False	t3_doqwow	False	dark	NaN	public	1818	0	{}	NaN	False	[]	NaN	False	False	NaN	{}	NaN	False	1818	NaN	True	NaN	False	NaN	[]	{}	NaN	True	NaN	1.572390e+09	text	NaN	NaN	text	self.depression	False	<!-- SC_OFF --><div class="md">&lt...	NaN	confidence	NaN	NaN	False	False	False	False	False	[]	[]	False	False	False	False	NaN	False	NaN	NaN	moderator	t5_2qqqf	NaN	NaN	NaN	doqwow	True	NaN	SQLwitch	NaN	133	True	no_ads	False	[]	False	NaN	/r/depression/comments/doqwow/our_mostbroken_a...	no_ads	True	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/d...	611580	1.572361e+09	NaN	False
1	NaN	depression	Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a p...	t2_64qjj	False	NaN	False	Regular Check-In Post	[]	r/depression	False	NaN	False	t3_exo6f1	False	dark	NaN	public	310	0	{}	NaN	False	[]	NaN	False	False	NaN	{}	NaN	False	310	NaN	False	NaN	False	NaN	[]	{}	NaN	True	NaN	1.580678e+09	text	NaN	NaN	text	self.depression	True	<!-- SC_OFF --><div class="md">&lt...	NaN	new	NaN	NaN	False	False	False	False	False	[]	[]	False	False	False	False	NaN	False	NaN	NaN	moderator	t5_2qqqf	NaN	NaN	NaN	exo6f1	True	NaN	circinia	NaN	1644	False	no_ads	False	[]	False	NaN	/r/depression/comments/exo6f1/regular_checkin_...	no_ads	True	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/e...	611580	1.580649e+09	NaN	False
2	NaN	depression	I've been feeling really depressed and lonely ...	t2_17aooz	False	NaN	False	I hate it so much when you try and express you...	[]	r/depression	False	NaN	False	t3_fedwbi	False	dark	NaN	public	89	0	{}	NaN	False	[]	NaN	False	False	NaN	{}	NaN	False	89	NaN	False	NaN	False	NaN	[]	{}	NaN	True	NaN	1.583532e+09	text	NaN	NaN	text	self.depression	False	<!-- SC_OFF --><div class="md">&lt...	NaN	confidence	NaN	NaN	False	False	False	False	False	[]	[]	False	False	False	False	NaN	False	NaN	NaN	NaN	t5_2qqqf	NaN	NaN	NaN	fedwbi	True	NaN	TheNewKiller69	NaN	8	True	no_ads	False	[]	False	NaN	/r/depression/comments/fedwbi/i_hate_it_so_muc...	no_ads	False	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/f...	611580	1.583503e+09	NaN	False
3	NaN	depression	I literally broke down crying and asked to go ...	t2_5v2j4itq	False	NaN	False	I went to the hospital because I was having re...	[]	r/depression	False	NaN	False	t3_feel0k	False	dark	NaN	public	39	0	{}	NaN	False	[]	NaN	False	False	NaN	{}	NaN	False	39	NaN	False	NaN	False	NaN	[]	{}	NaN	True	NaN	1.583535e+09	text	NaN	NaN	text	self.depression	False	<!-- SC_OFF --><div class="md">&lt...	NaN	confidence	NaN	NaN	False	False	False	False	False	[]	[]	False	False	False	False	NaN	False	NaN	NaN	NaN	t5_2qqqf	NaN	NaN	NaN	feel0k	True	NaN	Jazzlecrab	NaN	15	True	no_ads	False	[]	False	NaN	/r/depression/comments/feel0k/i_went_to_the_ho...	no_ads	False	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/f...	611580	1.583507e+09	NaN	False
4	NaN	depression	Any kind soul want to give a depressed person ...	t2_15xfmv	False	NaN	False	Cake day for me	[]	r/depression	False	NaN	False	t3_fe6ua3	False	dark	NaN	public	315	2	{}	NaN	False	[]	NaN	False	False	NaN	{}	NaN	False	315	NaN	False	NaN	1583471814.0	NaN	[]	{'gid_1': 2}	NaN	True	NaN	1.583491e+09	text	NaN	NaN	text	self.depression	False	<!-- SC_OFF --><div class="md">&lt...	NaN	confidence	NaN	NaN	False	False	False	False	False	[{'count': 2, 'is_enabled': True, 'subreddit_i...	[]	False	False	False	False	NaN	False	NaN	NaN	NaN	t5_2qqqf	NaN	NaN	NaN	fe6ua3	True	NaN	Depressed_Kid786	NaN	37	True	no_ads	False	[]	False	NaN	/r/depression/comments/fe6ua3/cake_day_for_me/	no_ads	False	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/f...	611580	1.583463e+09	NaN	False

	title	selftext	author	num_comments	is_suicide	url
0	New wiki on how to avoid accidentally encourag...	We've been seeing a worrying increase in pro-s...	SQLwitch	260	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
1	Reminder: Absolutely no activism of any kind i...	If you want to recognise an occasion, please d...	SQLwitch	124	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
2	To every single poster here i wanne say one thing	I really fucking feel you	NussNougatCroissant	46	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...

	title	selftext	author	num_comments	is_suicide	url
0	Our most-broken and least-understood rules is ...	We understand that most people who reply immed...	SQLwitch	133	0	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/d...
1	Regular Check-In Post	Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a p...	circinia	1644	0	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/e...
2	I hate it so much when you try and express you...	I've been feeling really depressed and lonely ...	TheNewKiller69	8	0	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/f...
3	I went to the hospital because I was having re...	I literally broke down crying and asked to go ...	Jazzlecrab	15	0	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/f...
4	Cake day for me	Any kind soul want to give a depressed person ...	Depressed_Kid786	37	0	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/f...
...	...	...	...	...	...	...
1892	I'm in so much pain	It's so hard just to get out of bed every morn...	BigPete543	6	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
1893	I'm too stupid to achieve anything in life. I'...	I have a low IQ. Twice I've been tested and bo...	Elisbt	3	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
1894	Useless	I don't feel useless, im useless.	Gayhova	5	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
1895	I wish it was as easy as disappearing into thi...	I wish there was some way I could will myself ...	evofe	1	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
1896	i dont know what to do with myself right now	i want to die but most of all i think i want t...	ponkichii	3	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...

	title	selftext	author	num_comments	is_suicide	url
184	Can someone recommend good qualities in therap...	NaN	eito_8	2	0	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/f...
921	Nobody gives a fuck until you die, and even th...	NaN	lil_peemis	3	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
923	I have two brothers who have killed themselves...	NaN	ArsenalOwl	1	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
925	I want to die I want to die I want to die	NaN	alynde	4	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
934	I am so sorry, but it has gotten worse	NaN	SmushyKidK	4	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
937	I want to douse my body in gasoline and set my...	NaN	SalehRobbins	3	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
941	I can't do this anymore	NaN	sappy_banana	4	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
957	If I had a gun, I’d blow my fucking brains out...	NaN	CGM2004	1	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
960	This world is a joke.	NaN	crybaby1577	11	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
964	I think I’m ready	NaN	___horse___	4	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...

	title	selftext	author	num_comments	is_suicide	url
184	Can someone recommend good qualities in therap...	emptypost	eito_8	2	0	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/f...
921	Nobody gives a fuck until you die, and even th...	emptypost	lil_peemis	3	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
923	I have two brothers who have killed themselves...	emptypost	ArsenalOwl	1	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
925	I want to die I want to die I want to die	emptypost	alynde	4	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...
934	I am so sorry, but it has gotten worse	emptypost	SmushyKidK	4	1	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments...

Suicidal Tendencies and Ideation prediction using Reddit

2. Data Cleaning, Pre-processing and EDA¶

2.1 Data Cleaning¶

Note: Choosing relevant columns¶

2.2 Pre-processing¶

We have cleaned and pre-processed our text data.¶

2.3 Exploratory Data Analysis¶

2.3.1 Top Words (subreddit Posts)¶

Reviewing "Top Words" in posts¶

2.3.2 Top Words (subreddit Titles)¶

Reviewing "Top Words" in titles¶

2.3.3 Top Words (subreddit Usernames)¶

Reviewing "Top Words" in Usernames¶

2.3.4 Significant Authors¶

Reviewing Significant Authors¶

2.3.5 Length of posts¶

Reviewing Length of Posts¶

2.3.6 Using Scattertext to visualise our corpus¶

NOTE: I've commented out the code in the next cell for "pd.to_csv" to prevent any accidental overwriting of the the saved dataset.**¶

	selftext	selftext_clean
0	We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say "PM me anytime" in a casual social context. \n\nWe have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start. \n\nOur new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below.\n\n***\n\n###Summary###\n\nAnyone who, while a...	understand people reply immediately op invitation talk privately mean help type response usually lead either disappointment disaster usually work quite differently say pm anytime casual social context huge admiration appreciation goodwill good citizenship many support others flag inappropriate content even know many struggling hard work behind scene information resource make easier give get quality help small start new wiki page explains detail much better respond public comment least gotten know someone maintained r depression wiki private_contact full text current version summary anyone acting helper invite accepts private contact e pm chat kind offsite communication early conversion showing either bad intention bad judgement either way unwise trust pm anytime seems like kind generous offer might perfectly well meaning unless solid rapport ha established wise idea point consider offer accept invitation communicate privately posting supportive reply publicly help people op respons...
1	Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these shouldn't be standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule, but are welcome here), or are having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, this is a place you can share.\n\nWe try our best to keep this space as safe and supportive as possible on reddit's wide-open anonymity-friendly platform. The community rules can be found in the sidebar, or under "Community Info" in the official mobile apps. If you aren't sure about a rule, please ask us.	welcome r depression check post place take moment share going accomplishment want talk standalone post sub violate role model rule welcome tough time prefer make post place share try best keep space safe supportive possible reddit wide open anonymity friendly platform community rule found sidebar community info official mobile apps sure rule please ask u

	title	title_clean
0	Our most-broken and least-understood rules is "helpers may not invite private contact as a first...	broken least understood rule helper may invite private contact first resort made new wiki explain
1	Regular Check-In Post	regular check post
2	I hate it so much when you try and express your feelings to your parents, but they turn it aroun...	hate much try express feeling parent turn around compare suffering
3	I went to the hospital because I was having really bad panic attacks, and theycontinued in there...	went hospital wa really bad panic attack theycontinued ended collapsing nurse wa trying help sai...
4	Cake day for me	cake day

	author	author_clean
1887	michael5976	michael 5976
1888	sprinklesbubbles123	sprinkle bubble 123
1889	Francosviky	franco vi ky
1890	SeaSaltSaw	sea salt saw
1891	crybaby1577	crybaby 1577
1892	BigPete543	big pete 543
1893	Elisbt	eli sbt
1894	Gayhova	gay h ovum
1895	evofe	ev e
1896	ponkichii	pon k ichi

	is_suicide	author	title	selftext
278	0	[deleted]	I'm tired of the pain.	I just can not keep doing this anymore. I keep reaching out for help, doctors push pills on me (I'm on five now) and therapists just try to push me into blaming my dead father. \n\nI can't afford my home. I can't afford my bills. I can't afford food and even the subreddits that claim to offer help just delete my posts because I lurk and my account doesn't have hundreds of karma.\n\nI do not know what to do. I cry constantly. I hate my life and myself. I can't sleep I can't eat. \n\nI try to open up to people and they look at me like a monster.\n\nI am a monster.\n\nI'm about to lose my home and I have nothing left to sell to try to hang on to it. I sold all my dads belongings to make ends meet, he left those to me so I could have a good fun life and here I am a piece of garbage who can't even work a part time job to buy groceries. \n\nThe state turns me away because I have income ($944/mo in disability).\n\nI'm done. I can't do this. Why am I fighting? For who? I'm alone. My chest ...
329	0	[deleted]	I’ve lost 4 pounds since Monday, this is just getting worse	I don’t like to complain and so I don’t talk about my depression a lot to my friends/loved ones, I don’t want to worry them or be annoying. It’s been getting progressively worse recently though, I’m dropping weight like crazy (I’ve never had it interfere with weight before), when I do try to talk about it, things get minimized and nobody really gives a f*ck. I had my s/o tell me that I was “not really sad” yesterday, and that messed with me because not only has he not known me for the majority of my life, but just because I don’t like to talk about my problems doesn’t mean they don’t exist. He really has no idea. My mom is a therapist so when I try to talk to her she just gets overly worried, and my dad generally follows her lead with that. I understand why they worry, a couple years ago I had a pretty bad suicide attempt and a near fatal overdose (od was an accident, I was just being dumb) within less than 6 months of each other, they worry that it’ll happen again. It gets annoyin...
417	0	[deleted]	I'm tired of all the noise	I think I get misinterpreted a lot. I don't feel good. I'm selfish but I need validation too. My things matter but so do yours. I just need to find the right meds.
498	0	[deleted]	Totally burned out and extrem depressed	So im going to tell you a „little“ about my Situation. I am usually a pretty happy Person. I like doing fun Things like going out with Friends who ive known pretty much all my life (im 23 ) and i have a passion which Is Film making. But Since i started with school even at a Young age i always had Problems concentrating and focusing at School it just isnt for me because I don’t see the benefits from it. I also think the school system is extremly outdated. Last September I started my education ( I live in Germany and the English word for ausbildung translates to education.. ) I work in a world known firm which im not going to name because of a couple of reasons which aren’t related to my problem though. I would say it’s pretty fun because all of my co workers and bosses are pretty nice and always want me to succeed and do good. I’m also pretty good at this job. Even though I got a lot for me going in this particular job I don’t really see me self working in this job for the rest of m...
512	0	[deleted]	I’m losing myself.	I can’t keep going.\n\nI try and try to be a good person and every time I turn around the world takes something from me. I can’t afford to live anymore. The state of the world makes me sick. My family is so splintered. I lost my dad and my mother is so beyond done dealing with my messed up self it makes my chest hurt.\n\nI never wanted to be this. I wanted to make my family’s life better but here I am a failed 38 year old man who can’t even support himself let alone help those I love.\n\nI don’t know where to turn. Doctors push so many drugs on me and I feel like I can not even think because of it therapy just wants me to blame my father and I do t want to do that, I loved him and he loved me. \n\nI hate myself and who I have become. I want a normal life. I want to support myself and help my loved ones. I was the rock and now I’m just a pile of shit.\n\nI can’t do this. I hate it, I hate me. I do not remember a time when my chest did not hurt from this. I’m so tired. I want to love...
591	0	[deleted]	Red Dead Redemption 2 helps a lot.	I've been getting progressively worse throughout this year, and I found myself having the exact same days over and over again. My social life is pretty much nonexistent at this point, and I've found myself struggling to hold onto friends that are drifting away from me.\n\nThen I started playing this game, and I'm actually excited to get back to my apartment and spend time in this world. It feels so rewarding even just to spend the whole day hunting or working on a level 10 beard. It gives me a sense of purpose I haven't really been feeling lately. I'm probably going to spend about a month in each chapter of the game because I want to prolong my time playing.\n\nJust wanted to share my experiences as this game has definitely made my life more positive in the last month.
746	0	[deleted]	see mom, it's not a phrase!	I'm a grown ass adult and still want to fucking kill myself every single day!
1288	1	[deleted]	This is my first and last Reddit post	...because I’m killing myself in the next few hours. I wanted to be able to push through all the pain that I’ve been in for so long and I wanted to believe that it could get better for me, but the waiting isn’t worth it. It’s not getting better and I’m too weak to keep dealing with this day in and day out. I’m sorry that this will hurt people who knew me — probably people who I don’t even think care about me. But I need to be selfish for today and do something for myself and put an end to this. \n\nGoodbye.
1549	1	[deleted]	Called off my work , going to end it after I eat	Nice knowing you all\n\nI'm finally coming home Mara and Tara ❤️
1675	1	[deleted]	By next week	I'll be using a certain method that is inhaling and when those two chemicals are mixed together , it has a 100 % fatality rate. After next Monday when I grab something to eat and a beer then I'll go to a place in the hills or somewhere where I won't be stopped and complete the method. Soon I'm going to be asleep and forever away from human suffering and be free if any issues for eternity ❤️
1708	1	[deleted]	I dont want to die. I dont want to keep breathing.	I use to drink often, I stopped. I'm very intoxicated so I might be all over. Shit happens right. \n\nI've been depressed for so fucking long it hurts to think about. At 13, 16, 19 everyone says it'll get better. I'm 23 and nothing's gotten any better.\n\nI had a 3 year relationship and she threw me to the curb. I had a 2 year relationship following (after a break from the 1st, we only dated a year but were close/fuck buddies for a year leading to it) and we broke up tonight, fun fact we still live together until july. My depression doesn't stem from relationships, there's a plethora of things contributing to it. I think I'm out of my depth on this one. We were fuck buddies because I didn't want another relationship. I didn't want to give someone a chance to hurt me again. \n\nShe was moving for school and I couldn't bare the thought of losing her so I asked her to date and we planned and did move in together.\nI've punched myself in the face because it's less damaging then cuttin...

	is_suicide	author	title	selftext	url
135	0	RegularlyAlive	Pretty sure my life is falling apart.	I'm a fucking burden on everyone. Idk why there's still like 5 people that care. I wish they didn't so I could just fucking die already	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fegjav/pretty_sure_my_life_is_falling_apart/
1257	1	RegularlyAlive	Does anyone else feel destined to die by suicide?	It sounds emo and cringy as hell, but I've felt this way for 8 years. Meh	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd8tmk/does_anyone_else_feel_destined_to_die_by_suicide/
0	0	SQLwitch	Our most-broken and least-understood rules is "helpers may not invite private contact as a first resort", so we've made a new wiki to explain it	We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say "PM me anytime" in a casual social context. \n\nWe have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start. \n\nOur new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below.\n\n***\n\n###Summary###\n\nAnyone who, while a...	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/doqwow/our_mostbroken_and_leastunderstood_rules_is/
917	1	SQLwitch	New wiki on how to avoid accidentally encouraging suicide, and how to spot covert incitement	We've been seeing a worrying increase in pro-suicide content showing up here and, and also going unreported. This undermines our purpose here, so we wanted to highlight and clarify our guidelines about both direct and indirect incitement of suicide. \n\nWe've created a wiki that covers these issues. We hope this will be helpful to anyone who's wondering whether something's okay here and which responses to report. It explains in detail why any validation of suicidal intent, even an "innocent" message like "if you're 100% committed, I'll just wish you peace" is likely to increase people's pain, and why it's important to report even subtle pro-suicide comments. The full text of the wiki's current version is below, and it is maintained at [/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/incitement](http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/incitement). \n\nWe deeply appreciate everyone who gives responsive, empathetic, non-judgemental support to our OPs, and we particularly thank everyone who's already been...	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/cz6nfd/new_wiki_on_how_to_avoid_accidentally_encouraging/
918	1	SQLwitch	Reminder: Absolutely no activism of any kind is allowed here. Any day.	If you want to recognise an occasion, please do so by offering extra support to those who've asked for it, and by being a good citizen of the community, mindful of our tips and guidelines.\n\nEdit: In response to multiple requests, I'm adding a definition of activism here: "campaigning to bring about political or social change". That's straight out of the OED, we aren't making any special interpretation of it. Any post that is primarily about raising awareness or changing perceptions is activism according to the dictionary definition and thus a violation of the community rules.\n\nSome examples of the most common types of activists posts we were here, all of which are totally inappropriate: \n\n* Advocating for changes in laws around suicide\n\n* Advocating for change in the mental-health system \n\n* Advocating for changes in cultural norms or common perceptions around mental-health. These are often related to specific days devoted to specific causes, e.g. World Suicide P...	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/d2370x/reminder_absolutely_no_activism_of_any_kind_is/
37	0	buhrainbow	Being ugly just isn't fair	I had no choice to be e beautiful guy. Wherever I go I'm the ugliest person. I want a girlfriend, but I can't talk to girls, since they obviously don't wanna talk to an ugly guy. Damn, it is not fair. I'm a fun guy, I'm even a comedian, but all the girls that aproaches me becomes my friend. Nobody wanna date an ugly guy. Thank you, "God".	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fduopy/being_ugly_just_isnt_fair/
1216	1	buhrainbow	I'm... thinking... bad things	I'm tired. I can't see a purpose to still here. My mom says I was a mistake and she wanted to abort me. I grew up as a mistake. She once put out the cigarette on my knee. People say I'm a bad guy since ever. I'm ugly. I'm lonely. My job is awesome but I'm not worthy of it, as I spend my whole time procrastinating. I'm a fail, I'm a big mess.	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fduzrc/im_thinking_bad_things/
9	0	deppressionthrowaway	8 years ago, I posted here, wanting to die. My life is so much better now.	When I was 15-16 years old, I posted here in my darkest moments. I couldn't see any reason to keep living. I thought I was nothing special and the next 8 years seemed like an endless slog. You can look through my post history if you want. \n\nSince then, I graduated college and graduate school. I have traveled the world. I swam with bioluminescent algae in Indonesia. I've hiked among alpacas in Peru. I learned to speak Spanish fluently and connected with people around the world and in my own country, who speak Spanish too. I've published my writing i multiple publications. I have fallen in love and had my heart broken several times. I realized I'm gay, came out, and I'm with the most amazing woman. I have a career that I love where I help people every day. I can honestly say that depression may be a lifelong struggle for me, but it is possible to recover and develop tools to cope with it. Every day is a manageable challenge now. Every day I am grateful to just be alive. I am SO GL...	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe6pvs/8_years_ago_i_posted_here_wanting_to_die_my_life/
924	1	deppressionthrowaway	8 years ago I posted here, wanting to die. My life is so much better now.	When I was 15-16 years old, I posted here in my darkest moments. I couldn't see any reason to keep living. I thought I was nothing special and the next 8 years seemed like an endless slog. You can look through my post history if you want. \n\nSince then, I graduated college and graduate school. I have traveled the world. I swam with bioluminescent algae in Indonesia. I've hiked among alpacas in Peru. I learned to speak Spanish fluently and connected with people around the world, and in my own country, who speak Spanish too. I've published my writing i multiple publications. I have fallen in love and had my heart broken several times. I realized I'm gay, came out, and I'm with the most amazing woman. I have a career that I love where I help people every day. I can honestly say that depression may be a lifelong struggle for me, but it is possible to recover and develop tools to cope with it. Every day is a manageable challenge now. Every day I am grateful to just be alive. I am SO G...	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe6pma/8_years_ago_i_posted_here_wanting_to_die_my_life/
348	0	dereulb	Why are you still alive?	If you’re reading this, chances are you’re still alive. Why haven’t you killed yourself yet?\n\nSince I’m still alive, there must be a reason but all signs point to it not being worth it for me. Hopefully your reasons can help other people find theirs.	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe0ofw/why_are_you_still_alive/
1063	1	dereulb	Why are you still alive?	If you’re reading this, then chances are you’re alive. Why haven’t you killed yourself yet?\n\nI’m trying to find my reason.	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fe0ngb/why_are_you_still_alive/
646	0	thathumbletrashcan	I don't want to die, but I don't want to live anymore	I feel like people don't understand the fact that being suicidal is not all about "wanting to die". I don't want to die, I just want the pain I'm causing to myself and those around me by being a burden to end and dying seems like the most relevant solution as most of the other stuff I have tried has failed. I think that's why I oversleep a lot, that way I'm not really living, its like temporary death, death without commitment. I don't even know what I'm talking about I guess I just want the pain to end.	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fdcqxp/i_dont_want_to_die_but_i_dont_want_to_live_anymore/
1535	1	thathumbletrashcan	I've finally given in	This is it I guess, I've finally grown the balls to fulfil my plan. Hopefully, if all goes well and all of you won't have to deal with me again. Thanks for putting up with me for this long, I love yall. ✌️	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fdgpf2/ive_finally_given_in/
603	0	vadimuha	Has it ever become better?	I've been in a therapy for about 2 years now and it seems like I just got worse	https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/fe05bv/has_it_ever_become_better/
1570	1	vadimuha	I want to quit therapy and just make myself worse enough where I can finally kill myself	emptypost	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd69wa/i_want_to_quit_therapy_and_just_make_myself_worse/
1659	1	vadimuha	Why do people think they can help when you already desided on ending it all?	emptypost	https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/fd603h/why_do_people_think_they_can_help_when_you/

	megatext_clean	is_suicide	category
1892	big pete 543 hard get bed every morning right want die damn hard alive world want keep going want keep fighting wish would end could peace ever asked life wa love ever wanted wa love world took request turned back form million dagger heart bear want die much pain	1	Suicide
1893	eli sbt low iq twice tested time got iq around 84 85 somehow entirely awful school wa able b student without much studying actually started studying started get grade 90 even 100 even though skimmed exemplary grade barely retained learned nobody around belief stupid grade go poor vocabulary overall especially spoken word cannot basic mental math still count finger nineteen year old low income uneducated family wa innately disadvantaged birth also mom smoke weed cigarette throughout pregnancy 8th month pregnancy detached placenta preform emergency c section likely brain damage oxygen deprivation feel incredibly empty every moment awake favorite time day go sleep night night always go quickly lately spending everyday sleeping much joy dream want least average intelligence least unbearable aware every moment dumb ever dumb always aspired leave financial hole everyday pass reminds probably never happen point feel like stuck rock hard place terrified leave behind family pet know continu...	1	Suicide
1894	gay h ovum feel useless im useless useless	1	Suicide
1895	ev e wish wa way could non existence regret entire life know take last breath matter hand regret life stopping know would probably kill dad want daughter feel like would better without would want mom like doormat everyone go people tell whenever ask help get thrown back face point anymore sacrifice enough say even though life anymore even room breathe love selfish selfish wish hd jsut hour week something productive get rid noise let breathe already asked help fault fault making time one seems understand matter much explain much ask help breaking anyone understand doormat doormat even stand try doormat shit get stomped even deeper every fiber feel like agony agony agony regret everything fucking miserable miserable miserable wish never existed wish never made tie life awful would anyone ever sentient creature life fuckkng horrible long living like agony terrible mother sacrifice enough wish never existed never knew anyone one ever knew wish wa easy disappearing thin air trace memory...	1	Suicide
1896	pon k ichi want die think want feel pain want feel something death way get sorry posting much today anyways im torn rn dont know right	1	Suicide